I was looking at the tennis photos which were not super amazing. I was on the last of my clean workout gear, I like pants that pull me in a bit more, one of my better sports bras, and I had been out in the sun for an hour playing tennis. Thinking to myself when seeing these photos I thought “I don’t look that heavy, hmm”. See, the photo on the left is 25 pounds lighter than the photo on the right. And I have been feeling kind of heavy lately, and I felt blah on the day the tennis photos were taken and the ill-fitting clothes didn’t help. Also, the scale has been telling me I’m overweight. “The scale doesn’t lie” or so the saying goes.
Seriously. 25 pounds. Different sports bra, the schmeebs stayed the same size through both those weights, the left was an Enell since I was running a race so I look a bit slimmer than I was. Nicer capris that didn’t hit me at a weird angle.
Yeah, I have a bit more stomach action going on, but it doesn’t bug me enough to diet again or move away from intuitive eating. I have no idea why I wanted to be x pounds but when I got there I wasn’t happy. I was too weak to work out. I was a bit mental, and I wasn’t nice. In the photo on the right I’m overweight according to BMI standards. When I was as thin in the photo on the left I still had a stomach. I still had many imperfections that didn’t just go away when I lost weight. I was hoping but it didn’t work out that way. Plus, being on an extreme diet and maybe losing half of a pound a week is crazy. It would be amazing when I lost a pound a week. That’s 25 weeks of weight loss to get back there if I wanted to, and that would probably take me half of a year. If I cared that much, that’s just the math.
The overweight thing really bugged me for years and years. I’m always on the cusp it seems so I wanted to get to a place where I didn’t have to be worried about being “overweight”. It’s true, I’ve put on quite a bit of muscle in the past few years but not 25 pounds of muscle, and I’m by no means an athlete. Hell, I wasn’t even flexing and I can clearly see arm definition. I’m proud of that. My hyper-flexible muscles take a lot of work to grow.
I’ve got extra padding and even if my BMI goes up to overweight some days I’m just going to ignore it best I can. As long as I’m active and treating my body well I’m okay with a few more pounds. I do have to watch it or else it does snowball with my thyroid issues, but maybe my active body likes to be at this weight. So while I would like to throw away the scale I can’t because being too heavy is just plain bad for my health. I don’t move up or down sizes quickly at all but the scale can move faster than I can for the last french fry. And to be healthy I need a bit of a check: so I check and document. I just don’t act much on it. Unfortunately I keep on missing workouts so maybe this is just a wake up call to prioritize. Oh, and pizza. Yeah… that too.
Being more honest: I just want to live life. In clothes that fit. Being kind to my body. Eating what I want in moderation and not having to say no to french fries because they are evil and trying to convince myself I’m happier being thin. I’m not happier being thin. I’m happier living my life. I’m happier being active. Hell, most people can’t see my weight fluctuations and looking at these photos it’s hard to see 25 pound difference myself. It wouldn’t look that much different if I was wearing the same clothing which is a blessing and a curse.
So what I’m saying is that I still struggle. Intuitive eating has gotten me to a place that can be uncomfortable on the scale because there are days where I don’t listen to my body. Aka, it’s not Intuitive Eating’s fault. Intuitive eating works if you listen. My stress has been blocking out the signals and I need to chill and get back in touch. The food I eat fuels my lifestyle (carbs rock). I try to exercise and eat veggies. I try to treat myself well and not beat myself up about stupid things like a number on a scale. I’m writing this on a day where I feel fine and active and healthy. At the same weight I was for the tennis photo. Overweight yet feeling good about myself. So I can remember that a number is just a number and that being happy and confident is way more important to me.