I wrote this blog post weeks ago. And then I finally had a few good workouts and started to get into the swing (ha ha) of things. And my outlook changed. I don’t know what it was, just the combinations of exercises and the right fuel and all of a sudden everything changed that day. I wanted to post this, especially for those who are starting new things this January. Hopefully it will help you feel like you aren’t alone in your frustration.
I get really upset with myself and my limitations when I have a series of bad workouts. I don’t get that “high”, I get a very big drawn out low. The poor husband can tell what the workout was like the first 5 seconds of me coming home. He’s my cheerleader (minus the cute outfit) and keeps me going and I’m very happy to have him. I titled my post “It gets better” because deep down I knew it would (just like he says it will after each workout), I just didn’t know when. And honestly, I’m going to have a lot of bad workouts.
So I’m going to still publish my emo post while stapling my goth hand to my forehead. It isn’t a depressing post but I wanted to put it out as a reminder that yes, I’m a whiny impatient girl who just wants everything now but can’t have it that way. Just a brief insight into my brand of crazy, then I’ll post again about sugar, don’t worry.
I feel like I need a pep talk. Themed “don’t worry, you can’t suck this bad forever”. Every time I go to do something in class I feel like a failure. This is a really rough class for me, but still, I’m always the weakest link. It’s my flexibility keeping me out of the game. I’m just… stiff.
See, I used to be a dancer. I was a ballerina for 12 years or so. In a dance company. Yeah. I was pretty flexy but never the star of the show. For one thing I was too damn tall and started growing boobs *gasp*. I was in classes from when I was 3, but I was in classes with girls who were also doing gymnastics and who were just more talented. I tried. I got better, but I was always the weakest link (okay second weakest in some cases) in the back. Even with my partner who eventually ruined my “career”. I got injured. I had trained my extra flexible muscles to seize up so I wouldn’t hurt myself doing random things like walking or turning to grab something behind me. Because I used to strain muscles all the time, and hell, I even ripped tendons in my arms during my musician days. So now I’m stiff by practice. And it really is a bad thing.
I’m feeling stupid again, and I technically do know it gets better but I get so frustrated with myself and my body. Other bloggers make their new adventures seem so easy. Am I a freak? Could I please see some improvement soon? Can my muscles just chill out for a bit, I’m only trying to sit on the damn ground and stretch. Why does it hurt so bad and why do I keep falling over week after week? Jeeze. I look like a complete dumbass. That part is fine honestly, I’m used to it. I’m not used to being patient with progress. Like “wow, you only fell over during stretches twice this class, go Shannon!”.
I just feel like I had to write this post in case someone mistook me for a kettlebell goddess for how much I talk about the damn things. I’m about as good as kettlebells as I am hiking. I love them and find it a great exercise but I’m shitty at it, just like most sports. Doesn’t mean I don’t keep trying and learning to perfect my technique. Doesn’t mean there isn’t a class where I’m not falling over for some random reason or throwing a bell at someone by accident (which hasn’t happened yet in California, let’s not jinx it!). It doesn’t mean I’m not good enough to go to a class. It just means it will get better, because I’ll practice and try and try again. And fall over, and learn. And probably fall over again. You get the idea (the falling over part is usually during stretching sequences, not when I’m doing kettlebell work, which I guess is something).
Right when I think I have something down the instructor busts out some variation that seems impossible. This is his job. Moving on. Inspiring uncomfortableness and perfecting technique. Working out alone I work on stuff I’m good at. Working out in a class environment is way better. We work on crap I’m shitty at. All. The. Time. And I try, and fail, and try again. I kind of feel sorry for my instructor, he really does have to work for his money with me. And damn is he trying everything to get me to not fall over.
So I do know it gets better, but sometimes I just need to play my tiny violin when I can’t sit or stand or breathe without being uncomfortable. I’m jealous of natural talent. I’m jealous of bloggers who are all “I did a CF workout for the first time with 200lbs and then went for a run after because it was easy”. I’m doing it for me, and that’s the most important part. At least my squats aren’t as tragic as these, at least when I can bend down. Which is not today. Or probably tomorrow.