Defeated, But Motivated?

Ugh. Since November was the Vegan Month of FOOD, I tried to at least do a food post a day. Going above and beyond that wasn’t really working out. Plus it was getting cold outside and my life has revolved around work and eating pretty much.

I was super busy at work and started skipping kettlebell classes, then I went to SF, missed 2 when I was out there then I got sick. I honestly FORGOT to go  a few Wednesdays. Like this past Wednesday it was so off my radar that at 7:30 I looked at the clock and cursed. I didn’t even know it was Wednesday that’s how busy I’ve been.

But I got up this morning, even though my stomach wasn’t top notch and went. My stomach has been killing me for weeks now after eating, so that’s not really an excuse. I’m going to take care of it, but this post is about exercise.

Today was horrible. And not horrible in “OMG this is hard”. It was embarrassing how little I could do. Seriously. I got the dizzies so early on in the class (the FIRST circuit) that it took me out for most of the class and I looked like a tool. I would stop and just sit on the ground while we did the simplest moves and try not to hurl. My body did NOT want to be there. My mind was embarrassed that my body was freaking out. Seriously, it has been a month, not a few years. And this is a beginner class. I paid to sit on the floor and watch people exercise. I wasn’t even this bad my first time. I barely worked up a sweat because I barely moved. I just couldn’t.

I’m pissed off at myself. I’m pissed off that even going at a slow pace with a baby weight I couldn’t participate even remotely. Even hiking helped keep a bit of conditioning it seemed, and when I dropped to zero exercise and +50 work I lost it all.  Right now I’m at the “fuck the world, I’m going to go sit on my freaking couch forever” mode. I know it will pass and I’ll get motivated once again.

I have to pay for another class pack (or start a membership) Wednesday. I should have done it today but I’m really defeated. I know it will get better. I mean, it has to right? I took out my own knee doing turkish getups and only a moron can do that. Seriously slammed it and almost popped my cap out (that happens to me, it sucks, a lot). My body was pretty damn foreign today. And doughy. And I’m unhappy with the whole situation.

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About The Author


I'm Shannon and I love to bake, hike, play video games and have fun. I currently live in the Bay Area with my husband and cat.

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