So as per my last post I didn’t really sleep. I had a head full of spreadsheets at work, and a husband who was home from work sick. Okay, he’s pretty good about taking care of himself, but I worry when he doesn’t sleep or feel well. Anyway, it was a long tiring day.

I came home from work and started dinner asap. However, I started snacking without a plan. I have been doing really well with my goals until today. Ugh. I had a piece of cake today and all I could think of was chocolate and peanut butter and anything sugar based. In other words, I completely blew it. I just couldn’t stop eating. I was tired, hungry, craving sweet and salty and all things bad. Yeah.

I blew it. And then I kept it up by having dessert and a little bit more, trying to fill that “something” gap. WTF? Brain, turn off please or turn on if that is the case. So I ate probably 1000 calories extra. At least. I’m exhausted and too tired to workout, which I already knew wasn’t going to happen when I was eating all of this junk. Today is a write off. I’m disappointed in myself, but one of my goals is to NOT beat myself up. Yes, this will throw my maintenance through chaos, but I’ll deal with it. I didn’t ask myself what I was craving besides chocolate and peanut butter. Could I have made cookies and had one? Maybe a protein shake or yogurt? Honestly, I think I was craving sleep. I’m not counting the exercise ignore because honestly I’m in no condition to weight train.

Tomorrow I will listen to my body. No, tonight. Right now. I’m relaxing on the couch with a sore stomach. I do feel stupid but you know, if I don’t fess up in public what’s to say it won’t be a common occurrence?

I broke rule #4, think about my hunger. Next time, lay out a snack on a PLATE. I have hummus and veggies in the fridge. Yes, I might go over my daily calories, but it is better to fuel my body with whole foods than sugar. I probably could have gotten by with an apple and peanut butter.

I broke #5, treats in moderation. It started fine with a piece of cake. Then I got home and my brain was in chaos mode. I shouldn’t have eaten chocolate chips out of the bag (well, nobody should). In fact, all the junk I ate is hazy. I know there were tortilla chips in that mess (that was part of dinner too, by plan funny enough) and peanut butter. None of these things were portioned out OR in moderation. Why was I feeling so deprived today? I’m stressed at work but it isn’t that bad. I can treats any time, and I must remember that. When I make stuff, I have 1 or none some days and then move on. Today was an anomaly.

I broke #6 and ate on the couch. Not only did I have non-portions in handfuls, I had them on the couch AND ate dinner there too. Stupid choice. I was preoccupied and didn’t listen to my stomach queues. Because I ate on the couch, I think that trigged dessert since I felt like the gap wasn’t full. There was something missing.

I broke #7 and had NOWHERE near a serving size, because it wasn’t portioned out. When you don’t see it all up front, it still exists. I wrote it all out though as best I could. In other words, I’m still to be held accountable.

I don’t mean for this post to be a trigger for anyone with an ED or diet problems. I’m just being open and honest because I know it is really hard for me to have a healthy relationship with food and my body 24/7. I don’t want to be portrayed as that person who has the willpower of steel or who can eat a stick of celery and always be satisfied. I screw up. Some days, I eat really well and give my body all the love and attention it needs. Today wasn’t one of those days but I have the tools to do better next time.

What is really sad is that I should have put dinner in the rice cooker and taken a nap. I’m 99% positive that is what I was craving. Not sugar, not salt, but sleep. Next time, because there will be a next time… I will do better.